Post 1: “I’m not sure what I’m doing, so please don’t judge too harshly.”

Let me start by saying, “thank you.” Thank you for clicking on my blog and taking the first step in getting to know me, my craziness, my search for contentment, and my wayward contemplations.

You should know that I love to write. Writing is one of the few things that keeps me grounded, rooting me to the core of myself amidst the barrage of emotions and thoughts that seem to hail on my mind on a daily basis. I have told myself for a long time that one day I would share my writing with the world, and as soon as I would state that, the self-doubt would creep in, asking very haughtily, “Who cares? Who cares if you like to write, and what makes you think anyone would want to read it?” So, I backed away, keeping my words locked tight in a journal, while simultaneously locking my feelings behind closed doors that would rival those belonging to a bank vault.

What changed my mind? An odd event really.

Tonight, I’m embarrassed to say, I randomly dressed myself up-cute dress, makeup, the works-with nowhere to go, no plans on the horizon, and no night out on the town in my near future. I did it simply to see if I could feel beautiful, to see if I could feel special, even just different, if in no one’s eyes other than my own. And I did. For a fleeting moment, I could see myself, dressed to the nines, doing all the things I have dreamt of- a night at the opera, a broadway play, swing dancing in a Jazz club, a walk through the streets of Paris, with the Effiel Tower winking at me behind the tears of a light mist. It was a beautiful moment. I was beautiful in that moment.

Then, as my opened my eyes, remembering where I was, I wondered, who else in the world has done this? Who has had tried to recreate a version of themselves that they long to see, dreaming of dreams they rarely share with the world? How many people, women and men alike, are living their lives while dreaming of another one? How many people find themselves trapped in a world they feel they don’t belong in, searching for something but not knowing what they are searching for?

And this is the reason. This is the reason that led me to write a blog for anyone who has ever felt any of the feelings I have mentioned above. Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers, nor do I have the ability to change my life or any one else’s so profusely that they are living their lives to the absolute fullest everyday. But, if I can make one person feel less alone, less stressed, or less crazy by sharing my thoughts, it’s worth it.

Sometimes I feel as if I am supposed to be doing all the things and only the things I love, taking advantage of everyday for fear of not having tomorrow. Sometimes this feeling overwhelms me so much that I feel trapped, unable to break through the walls that society has built for us, thick with the bricks made of long held beliefs, expectations, and demands that we be our best selves, while simultaneously going full throttle adventure mode, all at the same time.

I must admit, if this is how my life is supposed to be, I am failing miserably.

I live for travel: exploring new people, feeling the air of new places on my skin, learning from people different from me, and if I could, I would go and keep going until the wanderlust in my soul felt satisfied. But, alas, I can’t travel all the time. College loans and car payments have a nifty way of showing up when I really want to buy that plane ticket.

However, due to the limitations of being able to follow my dreams, I am learning that to live a full life, as cliche as it sounds, one must find excitement and contentment in the little things. For me, it’s the cup of coffee I have with my favorite creamer; the look my dog gives me when I know he is happy; the genuine kindness of people; the way the stars play hide and seek with the trees in my backyard; the sound of Nat King Cole’s rich voice; the passion of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata;” the hugs from my family that feel like home; the peace of knowing I tried on the days when I didn’t think I could even do that.

Those things may not be eye catching or life changing events, and they definitely won’t leave their mark on the history of the world on a grand scale, but they do accomplish something. They leave their mark on me, and with them, I can leave my mark wherever I go.

This blog is open to whoever wants to read it, and there may be a few old timers out there who have discovered the secret of life. (If so, please be kind enough to share with the rest of us slackers.)

I in no way intended for this to be a cliche post, nor did I intend for it to be so long. But, if you are out there reading this, and you feel the pressure and the struggle to be everything you think you should be and everything everyone else thinks you should be…pause. Pause, take a deep breath, and just be. Be your amazing, beautiful self. Fight for your dreams, work for your dreams, live your dreams, but live your days too, because they are the dreams you didn’t know you had.

Love and blessings,

Crazy Carrie

3 thoughts on “Post 1: “I’m not sure what I’m doing, so please don’t judge too harshly.”

  1. I am right there with you, girl. I have the incessant travel bug, but 3 kids and 2 jobs and 1000 bills hold me back. We get away as much as we can, even if it isn’t far, and that’s nice. But, I long to see the far-flung corners of our planet! Travelling on a shoestring I have been lucky enough to see 39 states, parts of Canada, the Bahamas, and I went to France in high school (and thus saw bits of neighboring countries). I WANT MORE.
    I feel like we all work and work and work and pay our bills and in the spaces in between we forget to LIVE.
    I will go to and and operas with you any old day. Say the word. Or maybe just a drink some night? Give me a call. I’m up for anything. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This crazy thing we call life comes with many joys, attached to some heavy weights. It’s difficult to keep what we want in place next to what we must. If writing helps navigate that, then spill those words.

    Liked by 1 person

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