It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Sometimes I have so much to say, but I am not sure how to say it, and sometimes, the words just don’t want to come out. But, tonight I had an epiphany that I thought I would share.
I sometimes get caught up in the idea that I have to be “normal;” that I have to meet people’s expectations of me, and be 100% “with it,” for lack of a better term, all the time, and that if I’m not, I will ruin something, whether it be a relationship, a moment, or a possibility of something that I can’t even pinpoint.
Well, world, I’m not, and I never will be.
Some days are great, and some days are not. Sometimes I feel in control, and sometimes I feel like a dandelion seed, being blown every direction, with no control at all.
I used to think that if I could control my outlook, or myself, in all things, that I could prevent a lot of problems or issues in the future. And to an extent, that is totally true. I am in control of my actions and who I am, but, taking care of one’s actions and reactions is not synonymous with having it together all of the time, neither is it synonymous with being able to control other people’s outlook or choices.
This is not to say that we shouldn’t try to go out of our way to be kind to someone, or to try to show those we interact with that there are good people in the world and that love without expectation of reciprocity does exist. But, we ourselves aren’t in control of their reaction or their response to that love.
The service at my church a couple of Sundays ago was about loving without expectation of reciprocation. This is a beautiful idea for all people to practice-loving for no other reason than to love, helping for no reason but to help. Can you imagine that world? It almost brings tears to my eyes!
I have thought about this concept for a little while, trying to wrap my brain around it. We are born as self preservationists with greedy intent, and sometimes we have to work hard at not allowing that to take over.
True love is not only taking care of each other, it is also accepting and realizing that we all go through things, we all suffer through things, and sometimes we don’t know how to handle them. Confusion, inundation, panic, insecurities, and frustration can come across as hatefulness, avoidance, selfishness, or apathy.
I am convinced there is a reason that causes the horrible bad moods that we sometimes find ourselves in. When we realize that, we may better learn to be compassionate and supportive to those who hurt us, even though our first impulse might be to react in anger or hurt or feelings of rejection.
I say all that to remind you that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It’s okay to feel confused, upset, worried, or even lost; it comes with the territory of life. There is no cure all for it, no magic mantra or potion to make everything okay 100% of the time. And it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay.
If you find yourself around people who expect you to be perfect all of the time or down you for struggling with anything, even the simplest of things, love them from a distance.
Find the people who will love you when you can’t love yourself. Find the people who will understand that you may not feel like going out every weekend, and that it’s okay. Find the people who understand if your text responses are short or even nonexistent because you’ve had a long day. Find the people who know you struggle with something-whether it be anxiety, depression, insecurity, anything-that will support you as you work through it. Find the people who check up on you. Find the people who notice when your smile isn’t as bright. Find the people who send you things that make them think of you randomly. Find the people who not only know your quirks and loves, but they remember them as well. Find the people who will not get upset with you when life happens.
In this life, you will lose pieces of yourself. The walk becomes dark and covered in mist, and the light you once had will grow dim. Sometimes you have to rely on someone else to help you build your flame. Find the lights. Find the people that will help you find the missing pieces, and the ones that stick around as you put your puzzle back together. They will guide you, heal you, love you, and help you.
They are the stars when your night grows dim; the flames that help rekindle your spirit. When you find them, hold onto them, and don’t let them go.
You don’t have control of all the circumstances in your life. But it’s okay. With the right help and support and love from your lights, you’ll make it. If you haven’t found them yet, keep searching, and do not settle until you find them. You are a beautiful creature who deserves to be in this world, and not only just alive in it physically, but truly alive, loved, appreciated, treasured. You my friend are amazing, and I will remind you of that anytime you need to hear it.
Love and peace,