So, life in its beauty and splendor, has been kicking my butt lately. Do you ever feel that way? The simplest tasks have been tumultuous, and my sensitivity to the world and its problems often bring me down. An increased amount of anxiety and frustration from that and other things has brought me to the brink of despair and hopelessness multiple times. It is hard for a thinker to not think too much; my mind is my field of freedom and my cage.
I am extremely hard on myself at times. I will forgive someone 10 times over for something, and then dwell in frustration and anger at myself for doing the same thing. I set for myself impossible expectations, and I have a hard time forgiving myself, even when there is nothing to forgive. I am trying to work on loving myself, flaws and all. It’s a hard job!
I have to say though, that in the midst of my troubles and self-criticism, some imagined and some not, I had a proud moment, a moment in which I felt compassion on a level I have never felt before. I’m learning that oftentimes when I judge someone for something, or I ridicule someone’s decisions, I sooner or later find myself in the same boat. It has humbled me into a very prominent Devil’s Advocate for the other side or the underdog.
Long story short, I apologized to someone for mistreating them in the past. At the time, of the mistreatment, I didn’t realize that I was doing it. I was much more callous and accusatory because I was ignorant of the problems this person was facing. Finally, after suffering some similar issues, I understood. You see, I had prayed for years for God to heal the relationship by fixing her, with only a half-hearted attempt of asking Him to fix me. Instead of doing that, God showed me her struggle, and my veil was lifted. I saw things for how they were, and the raw truth stabbed my heart into regret and compassion, and I realized, God was ready to fix it, through me.
I apologized, and I feel so much peace about the situation, and I also feel proud. It feels like I have finally done something good, after feeling like a failure of late. I am not a proud person concerning tooting my own horn or bragging on myself, but I want to take a minute to recognize my growth. I have been going through a growing phase for a while now, usually falling quite short of my expectations, but this time I didn’t. I feel like I need to acknowledge this moment in my life and in myself, because it is a reminder that no matter how bad things get or how bad they feel, there is always a chance for betterment, for growth, and more importantly, for hope.
Those of you who know me best will appreciate what I’m about to say, because it is so rare for me to do so. But, here it goes: “Good job, me. You’re learning, you’re growing, you’re strong, and you’re succeeding in this life. Yay me!”
Thanks for reading. Sending you love, and, a sliver of hope,